This to shall pass.

I don't watch the news for a reason.  That's just the way I am the past two years or so.  I'm content to live in my own head, for the most part.  If I thought, and worried about, all the things wrong with the world (and trust me, I have, at great length, to the point of madness) I would be dead.  I had to stop caring and worrying about what I cannot control. As part of getting healthy.  So I remove all reminders of the horror in the world to keep myself quite functional and sane.  Savy?

Yet, I feel this depression taking hold again.  Wrapping it's fingers around my throat and applying just enough pressure to make me panic.  But not quite enough to make me scream.  Like a frog in a pot of water.  Setting it to boil, the frog remains in the pot until it slowly cooks to death.  But if the frog is dropped into a boiling pot, it immediately hops out to safety.

When will I hop to safety?

My brain never seems to shut off and just... rest.  It's always going, going, going.  One thought into the next.  An endless cycle of thoughts, images, voices, ideas, and fear.  I can hear my heartbeat in my ears at night.  Thumping along, in the irregular way that it exists.  And it IS irregular.  In its rhythm and existence.  I fear so much, that at times when I calculate my heart rate, I feel as though my heart will explode in my chest.  I always wonder what it will feel like.  It scares me, but makes me curious.  A quandary.  An utter paradox.  That is my mind.  That is my irregular heart.  THAT is succinct.

I believe a lot of this has to do with the winter months, and the great amount of snow these past few weeks.  And the endless cold.  So cold.  I feel as though I'll never be warm again.  From my marrow.  I can never get warm enough lately.  It breaks me.  Despair is common this time of year.  And something I consider useless.  Yet, here I am.  In great despair.

Spring is coming, this I know.  But how long must I wait?  I think it won't be too long now.

This to shall pass.

Cheers.

LMS

California Dreaming.

So, getting back to California.  I cannot wait to move to NoCal and get away from East Coast living.  First time I visited California was in 2006.  Right at picking and pressing.  For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, it is that magical time of year when the grapes are harvested and pressed into the elixir of the Gods: VINO!

I have never been so completely moved by a state of being.  Californians, from the Oregon border all the way down to San Ysidro and the Tijuana border know how to enjoy life completely.  The landscapes, the food, and of course, the wine.  My final wishes are to be cremated and scattered off the Bixby Bridge at Big Sur.  THAT'S how much that area of Califonia effected me.

Now getting to the reason I'm not a resident of the Golden State as of yet.  I'm not an orphan.  I stay in New Jersey, yes because I'm settled here, have all of my friends here, my husband's job is here, but mostly because my mother insists upon laying guilt on me that I shouldn't leave her and move away like her parents did to her when they moved from Staten Island to Tampa in 1970.  Don't you think she should be happy for me and WANT me to fulfill a dream?  No.  Not Carolyn.  As I mentioned earlier, she is the poster child for Enablers Anonymous, but only if it benefits her.

So, I wait patiently for my turn and the day when I can pick up and go West, and never look back.  My husband has 5 offices in California.  One in San Francisco in fact, and 40 minutes south of where I would eventually like to live.  That's about his commute now.  He can be an engineer anywhere, and I can certainly cook anywhere.

I have a grand plan of what I would like to do with the land we buy, potentially a small vineyard.  We'll touch upon that another time.

Until then, here's to California Dreaming, and making dreams into reality.

Cheers.

LMS

Firewood and Ribeyes.

I watch a sleeping Border Collie as she dreams of squirrels, human food, and ESPN.  Some moments in life are just sublime.

I haven't been sleeping well, and I really don't know why.  Not being able to fall asleep at a normal hour, then tossing and turning all night long only to finally fall asleep as the sun is coming up.  This is not a good pattern.  They say the body changes every few years, well, I seem to be in for a major overhaul.

I did have a dream last night about firewood and ribeyes though.  Maybe it was just my chore list for today permeating my thoughts as I tried futilely to get some rest.  Or maybe it was a Border Collie's dream invading my own.

Cheers.

LMS

Taking it all back.

Today is the day I take my life back again. I was on track for a long time and then got lazy and complacent. So, starting today, I get back on the path the lead me to lose 30 lbs, get healthy, look better, and above all else, feel better from the inside out.

That being said, alcohol consumption will be reduced to twice a week. Breakfast will be eaten every day.  I will start running or at least fast walking once more of this snow melts.  I need to get more cardio into my daily life.  I posses the knowledge, I just need to motivate myself.  Motivation should come like a gunshot every time I look at my fat, lazy body in the mirror every morning.  A healthy tan should be mandatory year round.  WOW am I a fat, pasty mess.  I should say, "skinny/fat".  I'm flabby and out of shape.  Maybe I should get off the couch and DO something.

Next up, finding a part time job to get out of the house a few hours a day, a few days a week, since TMC has no business coming in at the moment.

There is no try.  Only do.  Thanks Yoda.

Cheers.

LMS

Duck, Duck, Duck.

I decided to take on the task of boning a duck.  It was actually easy.  You must have the proper instructions, a very sharp knife, patience, and of course, excellent knife skills.  I possess all of these things.  The interesting part was stuffing, sewing, trussing and wrapping the damn thing in pasrty crust.  That being said, I succeeded.

I hope it tastes as good as it looks.  I know it will.

Cheers.

LMS

Nothing of worth.

I will not make an entry unless there is something of worth to make an entry about.

But I will make an entry to keep up with making entries so I keep entertaining you.

Cheers.

LMS

One of my favorite topics.

On the precipice of attending a wake for a friend and Caballero, I find myself thinking about one of my favorite topics: Death.
Everyone has a different opinion about what happens to us after we die, and I suppose I'm not any different.  I feel that there is irrefutable evidence from the paranormal arena that suggests the presence of ghosts and "lost souls" trapped in limbo.  I've personally felt at times that I was not alone in a room, knowing full well I was the only person in the house.  I believe that my maternal Grandfather is always watching out for me.  I suppose, simply, it is because I want to believe he is.

I think as human beings we have a fear of the unknown, a sense of feeling lost, being disconnected, and alone.  Like searching for alien life, death is no different in that we want to know we're not going through all of this alone.  Why do people have to get old, sick, and ultimately die?  I know death is a part of life, a journey we all must take, as Gandalf says, but it can still be a mind fuck of epic proportions.

A human life in length is infinitesimal in the scheme of things as it is, now add cancer, irresponsible drivers, murderers, catastrophic events, heart attacks, etrc. and that life expectancy drops considerably.  I have a great Aunt that recently celebrated her 98th birthday.  She's never been married, never had children, I'm absolutely certain she has never been with a man, or woman for that matter, and she is well taken care of in an assisted living facility on Staten Island, and she doesn't have to pay a dime to live there.  The irony?  All she does is complain about everything from the food to the staff to her dining tablemates, and that her feet hurt.  She is still sharp as a tack and misses nothing.  Boggles my mind.

I've had a thought over the years that might not make sense to anyone, but it makes perfect sense to me:

If we cannot remember being born, how can we remember dying?

Cheers.

LMS

PS- RIP Jack Kotran, you will be missed my great friend.  I know you're up there with your bottle of yellow Gatorade, spiked with Absolute and a bucket of Tootsie Pops ready to cheer on your Caballeros in 2011.  =D