Wednesday, January 12, 2011

This to shall pass.

I don't watch the news for a reason.  That's just the way I am the past two years or so.  I'm content to live in my own head, for the most part.  If I thought, and worried about, all the things wrong with the world (and trust me, I have, at great length, to the point of madness) I would be dead.  I had to stop caring and worrying about what I cannot control. As part of getting healthy.  So I remove all reminders of the horror in the world to keep myself quite functional and sane.  Savy?

Yet, I feel this depression taking hold again.  Wrapping it's fingers around my throat and applying just enough pressure to make me panic.  But not quite enough to make me scream.  Like a frog in a pot of water.  Setting it to boil, the frog remains in the pot until it slowly cooks to death.  But if the frog is dropped into a boiling pot, it immediately hops out to safety.

When will I hop to safety?

My brain never seems to shut off and just... rest.  It's always going, going, going.  One thought into the next.  An endless cycle of thoughts, images, voices, ideas, and fear.  I can hear my heartbeat in my ears at night.  Thumping along, in the irregular way that it exists.  And it IS irregular.  In its rhythm and existence.  I fear so much, that at times when I calculate my heart rate, I feel as though my heart will explode in my chest.  I always wonder what it will feel like.  It scares me, but makes me curious.  A quandary.  An utter paradox.  That is my mind.  That is my irregular heart.  THAT is succinct.

I believe a lot of this has to do with the winter months, and the great amount of snow these past few weeks.  And the endless cold.  So cold.  I feel as though I'll never be warm again.  From my marrow.  I can never get warm enough lately.  It breaks me.  Despair is common this time of year.  And something I consider useless.  Yet, here I am.  In great despair.

Spring is coming, this I know.  But how long must I wait?  I think it won't be too long now.

This to shall pass.



California Dreaming.

So, getting back to California.  I cannot wait to move to NoCal and get away from East Coast living.  First time I visited California was in 2006.  Right at picking and pressing.  For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, it is that magical time of year when the grapes are harvested and pressed into the elixir of the Gods: VINO!

I have never been so completely moved by a state of being.  Californians, from the Oregon border all the way down to San Ysidro and the Tijuana border know how to enjoy life completely.  The landscapes, the food, and of course, the wine.  My final wishes are to be cremated and scattered off the Bixby Bridge at Big Sur.  THAT'S how much that area of Califonia effected me.

Now getting to the reason I'm not a resident of the Golden State as of yet.  I'm not an orphan.  I stay in New Jersey, yes because I'm settled here, have all of my friends here, my husband's job is here, but mostly because my mother insists upon laying guilt on me that I shouldn't leave her and move away like her parents did to her when they moved from Staten Island to Tampa in 1970.  Don't you think she should be happy for me and WANT me to fulfill a dream?  No.  Not Carolyn.  As I mentioned earlier, she is the poster child for Enablers Anonymous, but only if it benefits her.

So, I wait patiently for my turn and the day when I can pick up and go West, and never look back.  My husband has 5 offices in California.  One in San Francisco in fact, and 40 minutes south of where I would eventually like to live.  That's about his commute now.  He can be an engineer anywhere, and I can certainly cook anywhere.

I have a grand plan of what I would like to do with the land we buy, potentially a small vineyard.  We'll touch upon that another time.

Until then, here's to California Dreaming, and making dreams into reality.