This whole turning 35 and deciding to march drum corps again after a 3 year hiatus is really getting to me. Not only will I be the oldest female marching in the ENTIRE drum corps, I will be the only one over the age of 30. Most, if not all, of the women will be in high school and college, and none older than say, 25.
I know that age is only a number, and I'm in some of the best shape of my life, can march and play circles around most, if not all of them, but deep down there is a niggling itch of doubt.
I'm thinner now than I was when I finished the 2007. I'm not smoking anymore, and have found air and lung capacity I never knew I had. Sean dubbed me "Laura Lungs" this past weekend. I can find air and expand my lungs like never before. I started smoking at age 21 (1997), and marched all those years smoking at least a pack a weekend. By 2007 it was 2 packs a weekend. How I marched, played, was nearly 190 lbs, ate like shit, AND had a solo that season is beyond me. I have no idea how I got through it. And I almost didn't in finals as I ran out of air and was close to passing out during my solo. I ended up chipping one note because I didn't have the support to hit it. I'll never forgive myself for that. It's one note, and to the untrained would go unnoticed, but I know I fucked up. I never wanted to let any one of my fellow Caballeros down, past or present.
Now that I'm healthy and in better shape (not the best, but better) I should be able to blow down a building with my air, march over it without breaking a sweat, and play a solo with all the ease and grace of a true Caballero.
Self loathing is a futile game. I don't hate myself, my looks, my body, my mind, or my soul. What I do hate is the cold, not having a tan, being stuck in the house, not having anyone to walk or run with, and just plain being lonely day in and day out. I need a project. Better, I need WORK to come in so I have something to do.
Here's to the next phase and starting again.