Lately I've been thinking a lot about children. Here I am, 35 years old, and married over 11 years to a wonderful man. We have a full life of travel, friends, family, a terrific Border Collie, etc. But something is still missing.
My sister never had children, and my Mom, as great as she is, was never "Mother of the Year" material. She always preached how much she hated kids, wasn't going to change her life or have her life revolve around that of her children. Is it any wonder why I can't bring myself to have any?
My parents were older when they had me, and had already gone through all of the "kid things" with my sister who is 10 years older than I am. My sister tried everything, and got bored, or sometimes kicked out of things like Girl Scouts, class trips, etc. When it came to my turn to join and do and be, my Mom said no to all of it. I couldn't be a Girl Scout because my sister hated it, and/or lost interest. Why couldn't I just try at anything?
When I picked up the trumpet in 4th grade, my Dad was happy, my Mom was like, "I give this 6 months". 27 years later. I think I kept at it just to prove her wrong, but I was actually good at it and it came naturally to me. I was never athletic or particularly brilliant, but I took to music like a duck takes to water, or to my roasting pan.
I remember having to beg my parents to come to a football game on Saturday mornings just so they could watch me perform with the Marching Band. Daddy came to a few games, but never my Mom. They never came to watch me perform at band competitions. They did come to most of the Staten Island parades, and to my Senior year Christmas concert, and I remember my Mom saying of my solo in Concert Band, "I had no idea you could play like that!" What do you think all those years/hours of practice amount to? SERIOUSLY??!
They came to one show in 1995 and another show in 1998 when I was marching with the Sunrisers. They never saw me perform as a Caballero or saw my featured solo live in 2007. There's still time though, as I'm marching in 2011. It's not just about me, now my husband is head drum major and it's a family affair. If not for me, come see your son-in-law, for pity sake.
As I watch several of my close girlfriends have babies, and see the joy as they raise them, it makes me yearn to be a mother. Am I terrified at my age now to have a baby? Absolutely. Not only for the health risks involved, but for all the awful jokes I've said over the years about such things as retards, baby in a blender jokes, etc. What goes around...
Back to my parents. Daddy was/is great, and I never realized how amazing that man is until I got older. My Mom is amazing, too, but as I get older I realize also that she can be narrow minded, prejudiced, and just plain ignorant at times. Frustrates me to no end some of the things that spew out of her mouth. And age is no excuse for being uncouth.
If I am blessed enough to have a child, I don't want to be smothering or Soccer Mom of the Millennium, but I want to be there for them and share all their accomplishments and support them in anyway I can. I want to take them to Disney World and see the happiness on their face at seeing that magical place for the first time. Take them to California and teach them about Redwoods. Take them to my favorite places, show them music, dance, art, theater, movies, hot air balloons at dawn. Have them love food as much as I do, but teach them moderation and discipline at the same time. Is this selfish of me?
The biggest thing: Who will take care of me and my husband when we're older? Like I take care of my parents now. Who will I pass all of our things onto? Who will continue our family line?
This is where I'm at for the past, oh I don't know, 8 months or so. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I seem to fail at life. I hate the winter rot gut.
Cheers.
LMS
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